Life and War with Mikey Fatboy Delgado
Thursday, July 07, 2016
 
Wriggle -- from Life and War with Mikey Fatboy Delgado
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Available from here


May 2003

Talking of wriggling, I was looking through that BBC
website again and there’s a bit there where if you’ve got
some good ideas for telly programmes you can send them off.

Of course what probably happens is you get a letter back saying
your idea is complete bollocks and then six months later Ulrika
comes on fronting a show at seven o’clock on Saturday night
that looks just like the one you sent the idea in for. But anyway,
I took a chance and sent them this idea. It came to me in the run
up to war, while we were getting ready to transfer Iraq to fellas
more to our liking. I was watching all these politicians being asked
questions and you didn’t have to be too fucking bright in the end to
see that it wouldn’t matter if Hans Blix had been sent up Saddam’s
arse in a fucking submarine and reported back that there was nothing
up there. Old Bush and Blair were going to take a baseball bat to the
geezer anyway. They’d just made sure first that the mug had slung away
anything that might be useful to him in a scrap. “Has he got any weapons,
Hans?” – “No.” – “Good. Let’s bomb the shit out of the fucker.”

So I had this idea for a new show and I suggested old Paxman be the front
man because he’s a bit of a laugh and you can see he doesn’t believe a fucking
word any of these people tell him. The show would be called Wriggle and what
you’d do is you’d get these people on there who you know you aren’t going to
get a straight answer out of, like old Blair and Straw and those others who cut up
nasty when you ask them to drop the bullshit. So you’d have people like that
Mike O’Brien bloke and John Reid, and what you’d do is you’d put them in a
sack and tie it up and lay them on the floor. Then they’d have to wriggle out of
the sack while Paxman asks them just one question and when they get out of the
sack they win and Paxman can’t ask that question anymore ever again. So you
could shove Straw in the sack, tie it up, lie him on the floor and a buzzer would
go and Straw could start wriggling, even before Paxman started asking him the
question. “So, Mr Straw, about all this evidence that turned out to be forged or
copied or out of date or wishful thinking or a, whatchacallit, a pretext. Anyone
going to lose their jobs for taking the piss out of the British public with it all?”
And as soon as Straw has wriggled out of the sack everyone applauds and
that’s the end of that week’s show and Straw could never be asked that question
again. And if anyone did ask him, even in Parliament, all he would have to say
is “I would point out to my Right Honourable friend that that question has been
definitively settled on Wriggle.”


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